in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
