I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
