Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
