Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
