We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
