I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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