Heybabeimwearingurpanties
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
