I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
