I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
