I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
