the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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