There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
