Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
