i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
