are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
