trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
