Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I believe in your delicious
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
