Already got asked if we're dating
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
