I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
