No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
