I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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