I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
