just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
