I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm getting married
To pizza
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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