wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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