best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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