Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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