i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
