Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
