oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
