you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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