I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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