Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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