i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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