Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
