the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
