If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
