Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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