The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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