We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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