we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
