i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
