Tell her she can't have a vagina
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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