I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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