she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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