I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
