before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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