who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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