haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
