i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
