to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
