Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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