There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
