If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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