i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
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