Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
