Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
