I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
