you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
