I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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