FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
