how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
