I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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