I'm going to rape someone's good day.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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