this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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